A Dialogue across 2 Hemispheres
A follow-up to my conversation with Michael Ray and the importance of caring
Last week, Michael Ray and I finally connected beyond reactions and DMs on LinkedIn… and it was epic… at least to the two of us because we kept talking after we finished recording (and we probably should have kept recording), because we starting further discussed the unexpected joys that come during the awkward ages of 8-11 when our kids aren’t little but they aren’t teenagers. So, I promise to get another call schedule with Michael. In the meantime, I asked Michael to take 5 minutes and reflect on our conversations with these three questions in mind:
What energized you?
What challenged you?
What do you feel called to do next?
Part 1: Michael’s Reflection
What energized you?
Your enthusiasm and genuine curiosity and connection energised me mate. I love exploring the commonality and the experience of fatherhood, that whilst definitely nuanced, is so reassuring and comforting to belong within the contemporary fatherhood tribe.
What challenges you?
the thing that always challenges me with the attention and interest is to convey that while I might seem that I've got things figured out in some aspects it's actually that I've made peace with the exact opposite, I don't have all of the answers and I'm OK with that. Being able to sit within that uncertainty and the need for growth is what I hope my daughter fosters from my questioning of most things.
What do you feel called to do next?
As soon as I can get back to the rhythm of my usual routine, although life never seems to cooperate, I'm looking at focusing on a second book which is the best way I've found to really examine whether I understand my thoughts.
Part 2: Brian’s Reflection
What energized you?
There’s a general caution that exists out there that tells us to be wary of meeting your heroes because when we do, we find out that heroes are often normal people with the same idiosyncracies and faults like the rest of us. Having worked with and met several of my personal and professional heroes, the warning has been justified to some extent.
And I’m not saying Michael is my hero, but I was definitely a little nervous to meet him in person because I’ve been such a fan of his approach to fatherhood and gender equity. I quickly dismissed my nerves and dove into the conversation and felt energized by the similarities in our life journeys (though I never got to work for Bon Jovi!) and challenges in remaining connected to our children when they don’t act like they want to be connected to us.
What challenges you?
Michael’s conversation challenged me in two ways.
As a dad, when Michael spoke about the need to show up and do more than was expected got me thinking about all the times I haven’t been present or left the parenting to my wife.
As an advocate, I reflected on the many times my work as an advocate and ally has been happenstance and/or situational. By situational, I mean there have been times when I wasn’t planning to advocate for my daughters or friends, but I stepped up because no one else was or had the power to do anything. So, I was left thinking, how can I create more opportunities and sharpen my skills instead of waiting for situations to arise?
What do you feel called to do next?
I’m learning that after these calls the first thing I want to do is go and play with my daughters and give them a hug… partially out of guilt and partially because these calls give me inspiration to be a better dad and I want to get started right away!
Part 3: Why it matters that we care
There have been dozens of research studies on the positive effects of caring. Research shows that caring for others (i.e., by volunteering, helping out around the house, or providing emotional support) can provide powerful benefits to the individual giving the care. It boosts happiness, lowers stress, strengthens social bonds, and can even improve physical health and longevity. Caring behaviors activate brain reward systems, reduce inflammation, and promote the release of feel-good chemicals like dopamine and oxytocin. These effects are strongest when caring is voluntary and meaningful, reinforcing that kindness benefits both the giver and the receiver.
So, what about when parents have to care or feel burned out from caring or…
What about when it’s a 3am “crisis” and the newborn baby is crying for more milk or has a wet diaper or has gas or any number of alarms that wake us from a deep sleep?
I haven’t met a parent who hasn’t faced that situation and the positive benefits to my health are the farthest thing from my mind.
Thankfully, there are some incredible researchers out there studying this to fuel the work that Michael Ray does (along with a host of others) in advocating for gender equity and a father’s presence in the family. Drs. Petts, Carlson, and Knoester studied US families where dads took partnerity leave. There research builds on other studies that found paternity leave leads to deeper bonds and engagement between dad and children, and extends that research to explore what benefits exist for the parents where dads take paternity leave. It comes as no surprise to me that in those families, the chores and domestic workload (that often falls to the mother) are more balanced.
My friend and colleague, Brian Page, founded Modern Dads, during the pandemic to provide dads with focused financial resources and domestic labor tools to support their partners.
And then there are larger non-profit organizations, like Equimundo and Movember, working on a global level to assess men’s mental health, gender equity, and fatherhood narratives. Their reports highlight positive and challenging trends in the work to build a better and healthier world where our children can thrive. Their partnerships with local practitioners (like Brian Page, Michael Ray, and local non-profit organizations) lead to new strategies and narratives to strengthen the positive trends and decrease the challenging ones.
Back to our 3am crisis…
All the research on caring doesn’t matter at 3am because you’ll be too tired and too focused on the “crisis” of your child’s cry. But what I take away from my conversations with Michael and other dads who care, is this: if we take the time to read the research, engrain new parenting methods, and share those successes with our partners and friends, then those “crisis” moments won’t feel like crisis moments anymore.
We will hear the nuanced difference between a hungry cry and a wet diaper cry. We’ll have prepped solutions before we fall asleep so we aren’t scrambling to warm up a bottle or find hunt down a new box of diapers because our supplly ran out next to the changing table.
And most importantly, we will share in the joys and challenges of building a home with our partners and reap the benefits of deeper connections (i.e. emotionally, spiritually, physically, and more) that come when we tackle situations together instead of feeling alone and exhausted.
Then maybe, just maybe, we’ll see more movies and commercials highlighting these lived experiences and corporate, civic, and cultural leaders will start to understand the importace of providing leave for all parents, even dads, because of the long-term benefits it will have on all of us.
“Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, Nothing is going to get better. It's not.”
~ Dr. Seuss, The Lorax
References and Links
Modern Husbands, founded by Brian Page
Movember Mental Health resources
Paternity leave research article by Richard J. Petts, Daniel L Carlson, and Chris Knoester